Quotes / William Melvin Hicks / Bill Hicks / Multiple quotes and videos | Revalations

William Melvin Hicks, better known as Bill Hicks (196112-16 – 199402-26), was an American stand-up comedian, satirist and social critic.     From Wikiquote

Here is some of his quotes:

  • All governments are lying cocksuckers.
    • The Best of Bill Hicks: “Philosophy” (2001)
  • I loved when Bush came out and said, “We are losing the war against drugs.” You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
    • Queens Theatre Late Show (1993)

Sane Man (1989)

  • Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it’s all about, perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once?”Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”
  • Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet — backwards. “Well, shoot, you got me. I’m not drunk, but I’m obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it.”
    • Regarding field sobriety tests to catch drunk drivers

Dangerous (1990)

  • One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad’s car. He has one of those talking cars, we’re trippin’, and the car goes, “The door is ajar.” We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. “How can a door be a jar?”…”Why would they put a jar on a car?”…”Oh man, the freeway’s melting”…”Put it in the jar.”
  • I’ve noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country; since about 1980, oddly enough…I was in Nashville, Tennessee and after the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I’m sitting there eating and reading a book. I don’t know anybody, I’m alone, so I’m reading a book. The waitress comes over to me like, [gum smacking] “What’chu readin’ for?” I had never been asked that. Not “What am I reading?”, but “What am I reading for?” Goddangit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don’t end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
  • There’s some serious pockets of humanity in this country. Go to any of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere, you meet some serious folk, man. Order coffee, the guy behind the counter goes, “You want the 32-ounce or the large?” Geez, how big is that large? “You’ll wanna pull your car around back. I’ll start the pump.”

Relentless (1992)

  • You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years — rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
  • They’re putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn’t cause sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts exist and, therefore, there is Playboy. Do you see?… You know what causes sexual thoughts? I’m gonna clear the air for you tonight. I’m gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, ’cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let’s move on to real issues.Here’s what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick.

Shock and Awe (November 11, 1992 – Oxford Playhouse)

  • People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
  • I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I’m like, “Duuude, you’re my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it’s great.” He goes, “What? I’m 28.”
  • I think it’s interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all; and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you’re being fucked every day of your life?…Those drugs are against the law. Heheh, coincidence?
  • I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country… How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we are all one?

Revelations (1993)

  • You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons — incredible weapons.” “How do you know that?” “Uh, well… we looked at the receipts. But as soon as that check clears, we’re goin’ in.”
  • Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can’t make a profit off it, would it?
  • They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
  • Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of horseshit! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

Filling Up the Hump (1993)

  • “I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God.” And I say no, it’s not, Dad. “Well I believe that it is.” Well, you know, some people believe they’re Napoleon. That’s fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don’t share them like they’re the truth.
  • I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit… left chocolate eggs in the night. Now… I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word “bunny” or “chocolate” anywhere in the fucking book.
  • I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn’t Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys that like to lie in a tub while other guys pee on him?
  • Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um, — they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There’s another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.

Arizona Bay (1997)

  • You gotta see English crime. It’s hilarious, you don’t know if you’re reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England, “Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury” … Wooooo. The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose!… What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury tonight. [to the tune of “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who] “No one knows what it’s like… to be a dustbin… in Shaftesbury… with hooligans…”
  • You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day.” Yeah, it looks like he rushed it.
  • People say to me, “Bill, quit bringing up Kennedy, man. Let it go. It was a long time ago.” Alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. I mean, as long as we’re talking shelf-life here. “Y’know, Bill, Jesus died for us…” Yeah, it was a long time ago. Forget about it. How ’bout this, get Pilate to release the fuckin’ files. Quit washing you hands, Pilate, and release the files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?

Rant in E-Minor (1997)

  • I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!” “Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons.”
  • The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! “Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”
  • Oh, there’s a threat to America! Yeah, yeah, yeah… Back to that fuckin’ COPS show. ‘Cuz I’ll tell you who the threat to freedom… no, no, not to freedom. I’ll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country: it’s us. That’s why they show you shows like fuckin’ COPS. So you know that state power will win and we’ll bust your house down and we’ll fuckin’ bust you anytime we want. That’s the message.

Flying Saucer Tour, vol. I (2002)

  • I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern communities in front of handfulls of hillbillies. I’ve been doubting my own existence.
  • I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more…but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and…I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose — hmm — one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where’s my commercial.
  • That’s what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials, “Here’s you brain, here’s your brain on drugs”, “Just Say No”, “Why do you think they call it dope?” … And then the next commercial is [singing]“This Bud’s for yooouuuu.” C’mon, everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs; those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you. Nicotine, alcohol… gooddrugs, coincidentally taxed drugs.
  • Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact!… I’ll prove it to you. If you’re at a ball game or a concert and someone’s really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?

Here is a collection of videos

Drug Laws

Kennedy Assasination

Bush, War and Iraq, religion, drugs evolution  and reality | Revalations

Part 1 of 8

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part  5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8 of 8

He would have would have ripped into the government for 9/11

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