George Carlin Quotes

  1. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  2. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
  3. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
  4. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  5. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
  6. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
  7. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
  8. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
  9. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
  10. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
  11. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  12. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
  13. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  14. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
  15. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
  16. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
  17. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
  18. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
  19. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
  20. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  21. What year did Jesus think it was?
  22. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
  23. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  24. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
  25. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
  26. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
  27. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  28. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
  29. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
  30. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
  31. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
  32. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  33. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
  34. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
  35. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  36. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
  37. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
  38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  39. “No comment” is a comment.
  40. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
  41. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
  42. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
  43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
  44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
  45. Hooray for most things!
  46. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
  47. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
  48. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  49. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  50. Life is a zero sum game.
  51. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

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